First of all, I would like to state for the record, some of my facts of life:
I love my husband.
I love my kids..each and every one of them.
I love my life.
I love being a stay at home mom.
I love my job.
I know that I am blessed, blessed, blessed.
I also know that there are people out there who want what I have and would trade places with me in an instant...
That being said, there are days, well, maybe just moments, where I just wish it all would go away. How's that for an honest opening statement?!
Last night was one such night.
First I'll give some background.
Hmm, where to start? I guess I'll start with Bryce. It seems like it started over Christmas break. Bryce seems to be in this strange faze that makes me insane. I was reading a book yesterday (for about 10 minutes) about mothers and sons..it was talking about how it is very common for boys to have "in love" feelings with their moms. Maybe this is what's happening, I don't know..anyway he is always trying to hug me and kiss me. Some of you out there are probably thinking to yourselves, "she's complaining about her son hugging and kissing her?" Well, yes and no. When he wants to hug me, I'm always in the middle of doing something like getting food for the girls, or walking from one place to another and he puts his arms around my waist and holds on while I'm in the middle of walking. So then I trip over him and drag him across the room. This is so obnoxious to me. There's more, but I won't go in to it here. But this creates in me a feeling of not wanting to be around my son, my firstborn, the love of my life. Which in turn creates a feeling of confusion and guilt.
Secondly, there's
Jayden. I simply adore
Jayden. But I feel sad and another extreme sense of guilt when it comes to
Jayden. You see,
Jayden is not only the middle child, but he is the middle child where the youngest in the family is a set of triplets! So with everything that I have to do during the day, I'm afraid that
Jayden spends far too much time in front of the
tv and/or video game system because I simply don't know what to do with him! I want to be able to spend time with him one on one, and sometimes I can, but overall I feel sad and guilty when it comes to him because I know my time is so short..he will be in school all day next year and then my time will be lost and I simply don't see any other way around it.
Thirdly is house work. I've never liked to clean. If you know me well, you will know this. And the fact is...my
nemesis is laundry. I hate laundry. One or two loads a day is not so bad..but what I hate the most is when it looks like it did on Monday:
*Okay, I'm having a hard time uploading and finding my picture I had intended for right here..just imgine for now Jayden standing in the middle of two large piles of laundry that are up to his chest. Hopefully I'll find it later.*
I feel like all day long at home, I clean and I clean and I pick up and I pick up. But at any given moment, nothing in my house is clean. It's truly wearing after a while. I could literally have a full time job just following after the girls and cleaning up the things they pull off the pantry shelves and off the couch and everywhere else. You should have seen our living room yesterday. The girls found a box of
kleenex and I'm sure it won't take much imagination as to what they did with that. Then they decided to take the piles of folded clothes and launch them all over the floor. It looked like a hurricane had passed through. I thought about taking a picture, but I simply did not have the heart.
Fourth is our budget. I also hate budgeting. I hate making a budget, and especially sticking to a budget that has no wiggle room, which is the case now. Since moving, reality hadn't really set in yet with our money since we had extra from the sale of our house to work with. But now, most of that money is gone and we've (I've) realized that we have to buckle down and get realistic about what we're spending. This is a lot of pressure for me because I'm the one who pays the bills and does most of the spending.
Fifth is the girls. Yesterday was such a hard day with them. No matter what I did, they were just not happy. Someone was crying and throwing a temper fit almost solidly all day yesterday. Talk about wanting to rip your hair out!
To top all of this off, I realized yesterday that an issue in our marriage that I thought was fixed, is, in fact, still broken and it's hard. And this was in fact the straw that broke my back for the moment.
So last night I fell apart and had the "ugly cry". And at that moment, I just wished that it all would go away for a while and leave me alone for a few minutes. No more screaming babies, no more guilt, no more broken hearts, no more money worries, no more responsibility.
As I sit here and re-read what I just wrote and then as I just added the last couple sentences, I heard in my heart, "no more love." I suppose that is true. Without these things, there wouldn't be any love in my life. So I guess I'd better get up, get dressed and start another load of laundry.
2Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 5If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. 6But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. 7That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; 8he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does. James 1:2-8
