Inadequate..but hopeful

**I wrote a similar post to this at the beginning of this week..after a few days, I got sort of freaked out about bearing my inner most soul for the world to read so I deleted it. However, through the encouragement of my brother-in-law I decided to be brave and re-post it. Since it had gotten deleted permanently, I had to re-write it. And if you read to the end, you'll understand why I'm so glad I did.**

I have been composing this blog in my head for several days and to be quite honest I still have no idea what is going to come out. But I feel the need to write so here I go.

Last Saturday I had a fun day with my sister doing mostly trial beauty for her upcoming wedding. One thing that we had planned on doing but ran out of time was going to the salon and getting our eyebrows waxed. After she left, I decided to go ahead on my own. As I was in the “chair of torture” the lady who was working on me commented on a pimple that I had on my chin. Through her heavy Korean accent, I understood that she was telling me that I wasn't drinking enough water and that was why I had a pimple. She told me that I needed to drink a gallon of water every single day. Yeah right. Even if I could hold that much water in me, who has the time for that? But sitting there in the chair, I began to feel discouraged. You see, I have this list of things that pop in to my head on a daily basis and on a bad day on an hourly basis it feels. It is a list full of things that I feel like I am failing at...things where my inadequacies are illuminated by a floodlight. Want to hear the list?

I am not a good enough wife.
I do not spend enough quality time with my kids.
I am not patient enough.
My kids annoy me too often.
My house is not clean enough.
I do not get to take a shower every day.
Sometimes I get so busy during the day the first time I brush my teeth is after dinner.
Laundry sometimes sits unfolded in baskets for days before it gets put away.
I constantly have things around the house that are half done. (one of my biggest pet peeves.)
My now four-year-old still has issues with potty training..I must be doing something wrong.
I let my kids play too many video games.
I let my kids watch too much tv.
I am not pretty enough.
I am not sexy enough.
I will never look like the women on tv.
I hate how my stomach looks- I'm not sure it will ever be the same after being stretched by 2 9lb boys and triplets.
I do not drink enough water.
I don't exercise enough.
It seem like sometimes I am unable to keep myself from eating things that I know aren't good for me.

In reality, the list could go on and on, but this gives you and idea. The biggest thing though is sometimes I'm almost paralyzed with fear that I am not living up to the expectations that God had when he blessed me with the huge responsibility of 5 children. I fear that I am going to do something that ruins them and causes them to need counseling when they are older.

Many people may look at me with wonder and awe (I actually have gotten that A LOT after the announcement that I have 2 boys and triplet girls.) that I am able to do everything and hold it all together. And in all honesty I think there are a lot of days where I'm amazed that things are going as smoothly as they are. But there are days too where I feel so unequipped and inadequate for this job. And Satan likes to remind me of this as often as he can. Over the last week or two I have been more and more aware of these voices in my head and I am trying to recognize them for what they are and take them captive..but it's hard!

I have been sharing some emails with my brother-in-law about this and he suggested reading Ephesians 2. There's a passage in there that I especially liked that I'd like to share. It's Ephesians 2:6-10. " And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. For it is by grace that you have been saved through faith, and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God not of works lest any man should boast. For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

You know, as I was typing that out, God just revealed something to me. (And I know it's true because I got tingly and breathless for a moment..that's my sign that God has spoken.) That last verse..the last sentence. I know it well..it was a Rescue song for goodness sake! We are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works. (God made us, He doesn't make mistakes..we were created specifically to do good works.) which God prepared in advance for us to do. I just realized that God doesn't just prepare the good works for us to do..he has specifically equipped us to do the good works that he gives us. That realization just totally rocked my world! Another verse that I have been interpreting backwards all my life! Do you know what this means? It means that God has prepared me in advance and given me everything that I need in order to be a mom of 5! It means that he has given all that is necessary for Jay to be an awesome worship leader at his church! It means that he has give Josh specific gifts in order to be a father of 5 and do the job that he does! It means that whoever you are, and whatever "good work" you've been blessed with, God has specifically equipped you to do! He equipps us first, and then he gives us the jobs that we are designed for. Wow. "Thank you, thank you, thank you, God for this insight." I guess there really was a reason that my original post got deleted and then I decided to re-write it. What a very different ending than the last one. I hope that when people read this, they can come away as encouraged as I am. I'd love to hear your thoughts!